Bellynotes's blog

Thirty-one

I fell in love for the last time in late summer of my thirty-first year. I stood wavering on the brink of that love until the possibility for joy outweighed the risk to my heart. He, on the other hand, was brave enough to simply take the leap. To move from zero to sixty in one moment of revelation, but perhaps it means more that we arrived at the same conclusion via our different paths.

In the beginning, he revealed himself to me in pieces--steadily enticing me to discover more, whether he knew it or not, to give in to curiosity--and the more I knew, the more I wanted to know. The more I still want to know, every day, some shared thrill, some new joke, some joy that lights his eyes, some hurt he hadn't revealed, some dream he hasn't fully formed yet, but that he will begin moving purposely, steadily or rapidly toward and that I will push or pull him toward as needed, as wanted.

He is my perfect match. My bold partner. My caring lover. My passionate boy with power and fire and laughter in his eyes, in his voice when he sings. Lullabyes and rock cries, alike, are the sound of joy. I watch a vein in his neck pulse, his brow furrows, eyes near closing as he strains to a high note or a long note that I feel through my hand on his nape. The sound reverberates, hums, against my fingertips and I smile from the inside out.

He dislikes that he missed my birthday. He forgets what he gave me on a near daily basis. Reassurance that I was on the right path. Honest enjoyment of the words I wrote, encouragement of the dreams I divulged. Gifts a plenty and better than anything that could have been wrapped up with a neat little bow.

Like the days ahead. Like the years. Better than anything I have imagined.

timing

there probably is a time and place for everything - an appropriate moment to say even the most inappropriate or auspicious things. but timing can't always be given priority and the truth finds its way into life of its own volition. deny it, ignore it, mask it, disprove it, but the day you finally acknowledge it your memory will transport you back to the day you KNEW and you'll wonder what the hell all the fuss was about. and why you wasted all that energy battling it instead of moving on from it, with it.

whatever journey lies ahead, don't wait to take the first step. don't plan for the right weather, the perfect traveling partner...don't wait until it 'feels right' -  till it feels less scary, less risky, more rewarding, more sane. just start walking. just be patient. the rest will come with time.

love story

falling slowly no more
i tumble head long
into an open book
pages turning
flying by
as we pen the words

he touches her
she turns
and smiles
asks with her eyes
what he in turn answers

of course it's you
it was always you
i was following down
hoping to find you
on a summer afternoon
breeze lifting your cotton dress
or better still
curled up in my bed
in a late night t-shirt
your bare legs
tangled in the sheets

and she
though weary
with lines at eyes
from so many lessons
looks back at him
breathes a whole body sigh
and just looks
like love
like joy
and she knows
at last
the way they say
you're supposed to know

she takes his hand
stands tall
come with me

they give in
and hold on tight
as time rushes past
crushes them with passion
tries them by fire
and blesses them
always
with endless days
in the rain

to be continued

he followed her to the porch, but stopped as she stormed out into the yard. had she really meant for him to stay behind? he wasn't certain, but he wasn't willing to push her...yet. at least not when the surprise of the first kiss had rocked them both. so he stayed where he was and watched her instead, standing in the middle of the overgrown garden walk, her head thrown back, eyes closed against the rain. the white cotton shirt ...a man's shirt...that had hung loosely all morning clung to her now, soaked through to the skin, and the weight of it tugged down around her shoulders. he smiled lightly. the shoulders were bare, absent of any straps, and he realized that's why she'd crossed her arms so sternly over her chest when she'd pulled away from him. he thought she'd been upset with him.

she was furious. what could she have been thinking kissing him like that? the heat of the memory spread through her and she cursed under her breath as she felt the blush on her face. she dropped her head back, letting her lips fall open just enough to taste the rain, and took a deep, shuddering breath. it was the scent of juniper that calmed her. he was right. the rain did smell different here, and the memory of that late night conversation made her smile.

she had thought--no, she had promised herself, that she could keep this from happening. where had her resolve gone? even now she was wavering between pretending the whole thing had never happened...and seeing if she could make it happen again. she was honest enough with herself to admit that. no. she grimaced. it was a mistake, she'd tell him that right away. she didn't want to risk it all--their friendship, her job--on the complications of a relationship.

a relationship?! her eyes popped open and she felt the faded blush suddenly deepen. now she'd truly lost her mind. it was just a kiss, and probably after that just sex. she'd been so careful to be up front about things...'i'm a bit of a flirt, but it doesn't mean anything. just don't want you to get the wrong idea.' she was sure he'd cut and run if he knew what she was reading into it.

but it had been such a different kiss. she wasn't sure she could hide what it had done to her...she wasn't sure she wanted to turn off the daydreams she'd been having against her better judgment for weeks now.

on the porch he had propped himself up against a pillar, watching all her tiny movements and silently appreciating the cling of the wet cotton on her hips. she probably wouldn't have stood there like that, not if she'd realized where his imagination was running...namely all over her...but also to the feel of her in his arms, asleep on the sofa this morning, before they'd realized the movie had long ended and the night come and gone. she'd felt so right, he hadn't realized...hadn't remembered...that they weren't togeter. that spell was still on him as she'd busied herself in the kitchen, making coffee, pouring for both of them...looking at him in that way over the rim of cup. it had been the most natural thing to pull her in for a good morning kiss. natural and damn near earth shattering.

his expression darkened as he saw her turn her back to him. she seemed to be struggling with something, standing and looking down at her open palms now, and shaking her head a bit from side to side like she was saying no...

he tensed. whatever the question, he suddenly realized, he wanted her to say yes. he wanted her...

and he'd be damned if he let her calmly make this decision without him.

without stopping to consider why, exactly, it was so important to him, he strode out purposefully into the rain and was at her side in seconds. her back stiffened, and he knew she felt him there. he could see her chest rising and falling.

tease

there is something to be said for the sensation of a breeze lifting the skirt, cooling slick thighs and soft folds, letting the millimeters of cool air near the skin expand and goosebumps send a chill while the heat rises up in waves from the ground at your feet.

the haunting

look under the bed
throw open the closet door
face down the monsters
the demons
the what ifs
they can only hurt you with your eyes closed
they can only sense you with fear
and sorrow
in your heart

i believe in confrontation
in turning around
to the shadow just out of earshot
and looking in the eye
asking
demanding
why are you following me?

better the fire and brimstone
of anger and indignation
at first
it'll keep you warm
while your desire cools
as your habit of reaching across
the empty space in bed
dies away

face it all down
cry it all out
burn sage
exorcise the memories
keeping only the sweetness
and the lessons
that will let the spirits keep themselves
that will let you seek some peace

i don't trust myself

wouldn't that be a great song
to get nailed to
he asks
laughing
ha ha
as if he expects me
to be unaffected
and drunkenly presses the point
don't you agree
ha ha

yes
ha ha

call me by my name

no new loves
no new friends
call me by my name
they don't intone it correctly
it drops awkwardly
as if they are aware
of taking liberties
uncomfortable
with its intimacy

strange and infuriating then
that even in print
in simple typewritten face
devoid of emotion or meaningful pause
you call me by my name
and from your hand, your tongue
it rings achingly true
your claim on that name
still unchanged

over now

maybe what i need to get through my head is that THAT was the unreality. THAT was the strange temporary attempt at something unnatural and ill fated. and that when it ended, the world righted itself again.

i just really want another great love...the great love...or none at all.

i knew better

i knew better
than to marry so young

i knew better
than to believe he knew
what he wanted

i knew better
that when he said
you are everything
he meant
you are supposed to be everything
and i will hold you to that

i knew better
than to seek my own peace

i knew better
than to believe my own counsel
that everything would be ok
that we would get through it together

i knew better
than to believe in love like that

i know better still
and still
i want so to believe